By Rosalind Henderson
RESEARCH tells us that fear, constant anger, and bitterness
can flood your mind and block your ability to access critical thinking and
problem-solving skills.
It can even warp your ability to view situations
realistically, and undergird limited beliefs.
Emotional stress can be likened to a toxicity which
suppresses the full function of the body, heart and mind.
It is impossible to function well with this constant
pressure nipping at your heels.
Then it makes sense to clear repressed anger from your
spirit, so you are living more in alignment to how you were created – as an unlimited
being.
Sadly, bitterness has been a companion for some of you – for
months, years and even decades. Some of you are even defined by your
bitterness.
So expect the process of letting go of ought and bitterness
to be an unpredictable journey, taking longer than you anticipated. But you are
worth the work.
My process has been decades long. My proclivity has been to
personalize and internalize perceived and actual abuses that punctuated my
childhood.
Others, however, externalize their anger. You might find
such people lashing out at others – verbally or physically.
For me, you had only to listen to my cruel self-talk to
realize that I was on a mission to beat myself up for the ways in which I was
unable to provide the answers to my parents’ tough problems as a young child.
“You are not enough! If you were smarter, prettier or more
behaved you’d make people happy!” It made me miserable.
Ruminating on the past and its accompanying bitterness, only
stoked my spiritual ailment until I hit rock bottom in my early twenties.
Riddled with secondary issues, anxiety, nameless terrors,
depression and deep self-loathing, I was rendered helpless.
Navigating the maze to forgiveness has gifted me with
certain epiphanies:
1. Release the emotional pressure valve by finding a warm,
mature person with whom you can share your feelings.
Being vulnerable with another allows you to drink in
understanding, tenderness and empathy which rewires the brain. Grief shared is
half the burden.
2. Understand that you’ll activate the grieving process
through confession.
Particularly if you’ve been violated years and even decades
ago, you will realize that there are tears you should have cried when you were
eight, but were not able to.
Perhaps the reality of a particular violation was too
weighty and you repressed the horror of it.
But the reality of the negative event is within you and it’s
been seeping out in disastrous ways for most of your life. So, let it find its
proper expression.
As you process the offense, the surfacing shock may stomp
you as you accurately name the REALITY, and the sorrow about what you’ve lost
by being violated (for instance your innocence if it were sexually abused) can
feel very heavy.
The anger, the confusion, but the eventual acceptance and
resolution are perfectly normal stages which result in healing.
So be patient with yourself, and make sure you have the
emotional supports – the therapist, the friends or coach – to lean on.
3. Understand that forgiveness is for you. Releasing
bitterness and accompanying negative emotions is so you can free up positive
energy to live the LIFE YOU DESERVE.
4. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to expose
yourself to the offender again. It is your right to dissolve an unhealthy
relationship, or to restructure it so you’re not exposed to their brand of
brokeness.
Yes, the process for me has been arduous but also
surprising, invigorating and hopeful. I am reclaiming my emotional health, my
critical thinking skills, and creativity.
Resilience and increasing esteem and self-respect has also
been a beautiful by-product of this journey.
Remain sane in an insane world by draining toxic bitterness
from your life.
Rosalind Henderson is a certified John Maxwell leadership
trainer. Learn how to lead yourself and better influence others.
Join my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/leadtotransform/
