Tools To Make Your Self-Talk More Positive

By Dr Jaime Kulaga

WHO came with up with the slogan, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? They must have been a tree.

Words hurt. In fact, sometimes words are more painful than sticks and stones. Words become more painful than sticks and stones when the hurtful words about us, come from us.

Sticks and stones will break your bones, but negative self-talk will destroy you. Below are the top 3 tools for better self-talk.

#1: Get rid of the "Have To," "Must" and "Should" Talk

Those things that "have to get done" are part of a sabotaging mind habit we created for ourselves.

The reality is, a lot of what we do does not "have to" get done, or, if it does, it doesn't "have to" happen right then and there.

Using words like "have," "must," "should" and "ought" are words that fill us with guilt and anxiety. Women despise feeling guilty, thus to avoid feelings of guilt, we satisfy the "haves" in our lives before we satisfy ourselves.

Women often do not deem themselves as a "have" or "must" in their own lives, thus everything else is worked on and fulfilled, except them.

Despite popular belief, laundry does not HAVE to get done on the weekends. Weekend is a compound word. Week-end. Your week has ended.

Use this time to walk away from the "should" and "haves" in your life, and do the things that you really would like to do in life - like all those things you "missed out on" or "wished you could do."

#2: Stop Telling Yourself Everything Has to be Perfect

Perfection is subjective. That is why you should never try to be perfect for anyone or anything. If you spend your life trying to be perfect for someone else, you may find you are never perfect, for you.

Thinking that you have to be perfect at anything in life is not only a barrier to your goals and life fulfillment, but you have directly set yourself up for failure.

Don't spend your life trying to be something that doesn't exist. By striving for perfection, your mind and body will go one of two ways:

1. Back down altogether. Your mind and body are smart. If you set a goal for something that is not attainable (such as trying to be perfect) why even try?

Your mind and body won't waste its time and energy trying to strive for something that is unachievable. So, the mind finds excuses and the body will support that.

2. You will attempt your goals with perfection in mind, and then fail (because perfection does not exist). This pattern of attempting and failing lowers our self-esteem and sometimes our desire to set goals at all.

Instead of perfectionism, work toward self-actualization. Self-actualization means to develop your full potential.

You are always in the mind-set of growing and developing yourself. It is through striving for self-actualization that you will find Life, Mind and Body fulfillment.

#3: Recognize Life is Not Only Black and White

I get it, you don't have time. Neither do I. But the reality is, we are both thinking in black and white right now. Working out doesn't mean 60 minutes or 0 - all or nothing.

Working out to a ten minute app on your phone in the middle of the kitchen is still some form of exercise. It counts.

We often get stuck on thinking and doing things the same way for so long, that we forget there are so many other ways to make decisions or succeed.

If you think you exhausted every possibility, you're wrong. When you think differently, you open more doors for opportunity, doors you can't even fathom right now because you just don't know they even exist.

Talk yourself out of the black and white, and into the shades of grey.

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is the author of Type "Superwoman: Finding the LIFE in Work-Life Balance - A Self-Searching Book for Women".

She is the inspirational founder of the SuperWoman Workshops.

Dr. Kulaga has been featured in Glamour, Self and Prevention magazines as well as the show Daytime for her expertise in Work-Life Balance.

http://www.mindfulrehab.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/8629297

The #1 Fastest Way to Eliminate Self-Doubt

By Natalie Ledwell

You CAN eliminate self-doubt

JACK Canfield, Bob Proctor, Joe Vitale, John Assaraf...

Since 2011, I've had the privilege of interviewing some of the most inspiring personal growth gurus in the world on my weekly web series, The Inspiration Show…

And one thing I can tell you for sure is that, just like you and me, they ALL have moments where they struggle with self-doubt and negative self-talk.

The fact is that there isn't a single person on earth who hasn't experienced doubt when striving for a specific goal.

As human beings, we all come wired with that little voice in our heads that evaluates what's going on around us and gives us a play-by-play of what we should do or say next…

And this "self talk" can either be your greatest ally, or it can be your biggest enemy.

Much of your self talk is reasonable: 'I better slow down or I'll get a  speeding ticket' or 'I'm really looking forward to having dinner with my friends tonight.'

But let's face it - your self talk can also be pretty negative and defeating, like 'I really don't think I can do it' or 'I don't know why I even bother.'

I'm a firm believer that the quality of your life depends on the quality of the conversations you have with yourself about what's going on around you…

So that said, the fastest way to experience more fun, happiness, love and joy TODAY is to start noticing what it is that you're saying to yourself.

Is your self talk mostly positive? Or negative?

Once you start tuning in to what your inner voice is saying, your next step is to shift it towards the positive as much as you can.

If you'd like to know how to do this, I recommend you watch this short 6-minute episode on how to eliminate your self-doubt - and it's actually a lot faster and easier than you may realize!

To your abundantly fulfilling life,

Natalie Ledwell

Click here for Natalie's video - http://tiny.cc/hu8xzw

The Pursuit of Happiness Becomes True Happiness

 

By Norm Ephraim, Ed.D.

Let’s face it. We all want to be happy. The pursuit of happiness is a common pursuit.  We all realize, sooner or later, that outer success does not produce lasting happiness.

So what does? Loving ourselves and loving others. In fact, we can only love others authentically when we love ourselves.

So why is it that some people seem to feel self love easily, while others spend their lives searching in relationships or career accomplishments to find it? While it may seem cliche, the answer does seem to point to experiences in childhood.

What we know as self esteem begins, originally, in the esteem parents have for their children. Through the simplest acts of touch, attention to feelings, and guidance toward accomplishment, a child comes to see their own worth reflected in their parents’ eyes. They see themselves as love-able i.e. worthy and able to be loved.

These feelings are so powerful that they have been found to influence longevity. When through various forms of abuse and neglect a child fails to get this mirror of love, two things happen. First the child begins to take in the feeling of defectiveness or un-loveability.

Since, to a child, a parent is God, parental abuse and neglect (including insensitivity to feelings) is experienced as justified. "If mommy or daddy treats me this way, it must be my fault."

 A second thing also happens. Children are masters at devising strategies to get love or prevent abandonment. A common "protective strategy" is perfectionism. "If I'm perfect, then mommy or daddy will love me."

The search for perfection can become a lifetime one, whether it be for the perfect partner, the perfect accomplishment, or the perfect amusement or "high." But the result will always be disappointing. Nothing can replace self love.

Is there hope for those who didn't get enough love in childhood? The answer is a resounding yes!! But like anything worthwhile, it takes effort. The key is in the way we experience our memories of parenting.

Rather than being simply static memories from childhood, each of us carries within our mind an "inner parent," a voice which talks to us much as our parents did. If our parenting was primarily supportive, our self talk will be so also. If our parenting was primarily negative, we will tend to be self critical much of the time.

Some of this self criticism will be a simple replay of what we heard. More often, though, a child criticizes themselves to protect their relationship with parents. In this fact lies both the source of much of our distress -- and the seed of our renewal.

Once we realize that people with high self esteem talk lovingly to themselves -- especially when under stress, and those with low self esteem are self critical, we create for ourselves a pathway to change. The goal becomes changing the way we talk to ourselves.

Three Steps to Move from a Pursuit of Happiness to True Happiness 

Step One: Awareness

It’s amazing how differently we can talk to ourselves at different times. If we're having a good day, our mind often reflects this in positive thoughts. Often, at such times, our mind can be very quiet and peaceful.

Contrast this with times we're under stress or after experiencing some disappointment. At those times our mind can be quite negative and quite "busy."

In my experience, when our mind is full of anxiety, and general static, we are often re-experiencing a "child state of mind." In essence, a negative life event has sent us shuttling back in time to experience younger feelings.

Once we can recognize how we've gone from feeling expansive and adult to insecure and childlike we have an amazing gift. We can feel compassion.

Step Two: Compassion

Whenever we shift into an insecure child state of mind (we all do at times), we each "go home" to specific inner experiences of support, abuse, or neglect. Depending on our particular childhood, we will be able to generate self love and self care at such times, or not.

But whatever happens, it’s not our fault. This fact is crucial. Once we recognize that it’s only by the luck of the draw that we go home, in our minds, to inner parental support, we become more empathic.

We can feel love for ourselves and our particular story. From that compassion we can truly take better care of ourselves. We can undertake authentic adult action.

Step Three: Authentic Adult Action

In a child state of mind, we often feel passive and helpless. Our self talk includes either anxious statements like "I'll never be good enough," " I can't do it," "If only," or self critical ones "snap out of it," "grow up," or "stop making a mountain out of a molehill."

Once we recognize that we're in a child state, and have compassion to our unique childhood experience, we need to actively assert our adult energies. Authentic adult actions are those which help us shift us out of a child state to a more expansive and adult sense of ourselves. Simply put, authentic adult action involves greater self care.

Sometimes this involves just accepting our current feelings as a reflection of earlier childhood experience. At other times, it includes actively taking better care of needs. Whether it be preparing a nice meal for ourselves or calling a friend, authentic adult action is, in essence, being like a "positive self parent."

Often, too, authentic adult action involves challenging our stream of negative self-talk. This is much easier to do when we realize that we're in a child state of mind. We may be stuck in the pursuit of happiness and not truly happy.  Whenever we're having catastrophic "what if" thoughts about the future, we can become more relaxed if we recognize that our thinking may be more that of a young child than a full adult.

This can give us compassion -- and, often, a humorous perspective. The three keys to self love and truer happiness are awareness, compassion, and authentic adult action.

Article Source: http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/article/the-pursuit-of-happiness

About the Author:

Norm Ephraim, Ed.D., is a licensed psychologist in Boston, Mass. specializing in the treatment of anxiety and depression. He is the author of Mood Shifting: Understanding and Transforming Your Negative Moods.