Emotional Buttons, Triggers and Controls

By Violet Sky

"I had no choice!" "It's their fault I feel this way, not mine!" "It's just the way I was raised!" "Why do they always make me feel this way?" "I don't know why I said it, it just came out."

Do you identify with any of these comments? If so, you may want to continue reading.  

Someone pushing YOUR buttons? (Pic courtesy FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

 Most of us are familiar with the different sets of circumstances that we know will really upset us in one way or another.

Due to the memories left behind from other situations we have already been through (old baggage) – created when we may not have had the tools we needed to handle them – this 'baggage' may have left behind trauma associated with a similar situation in our past.

The truth is that we ALWAYS have a choice in how we feel about something.

The way our brains work gives us that choice, as our own brain is what we use to control everything about our physical being.

Our brains also have control over the chemicals it releases that match what we feel and how we react to what we feel.

Many of us – for one reason or another – are thinking that we don't have such a conscious control over these things.

Well, I will try to show you how we do, and what can be done about it.

What is an emotional button?

It may start out as simple as a pet peeve, and over time develop into something that really bothers you.

There are many various different degrees of irritation; but once they activate a reaction, they become "buttons" that once pushed are hard to control.

It's like an emotion that hides somewhere in the back of your mind just waiting for a reason to come out and take over.

The reaction also seems to be programmed, because it almost always seems to be the same.

I hear things like, 'I have no choice but to react this way when this happens.' 'I can't change this problem I have.' 'Nothing can fix this.'

These are defeatist and self-sabotaging attitudes, and this way of thinking will not help you.

What can I do about it?

Healing such damage can start by knowing the following truth: "Nothing that is done TO or BY me can affect me traumatically without my permission!"

You always have the CHOICE about how you react to your own feelings and situations when they are triggered or caused.

Our feelings have always come naturally to us as children, and throughout most our lives. Most of the time we learn these emotional reactions by watching someone else react to a similar trigger.

And we learned many of these reactions while we were young. Any new trauma can also encourage us to plant one of these buttons as a form of protection against a similar occurrence in our future.

It takes better teachers than most of us have to help ourselves and others become aware of why human beings were gifted with emotions in the first place, and how to effectively control them with our choices, instead of being controlled by them.

Example: If someone puts a gun to your head and demands something of you, what are your choices? Many may say there isn't one.

Let me help you see them here:

(1) Do what has been demanded of you.

(2) Try to find a way to not be at the end of that barrel (i.e. fight, negotiate, try to disarm them however you can.

Or you can choose to get shot - and even if you choose this one you may still be able to recover from it as long as you didn't lose your head, and I mean that in multiple ways.)

(3) You can even choose to die if that is your wish (though I highly DON'T recommend this option.)

Example: Say you are strapped down into a chair fully bound and your eyes pried open while something is set before you to watch. What choice do you have, right? WRONG!

Our brains are still able to make the choice of whether or not we see what is right in front of us.

I'm sure at this point many of you may know what I mean by some of this, as this is how we get some of our famous sayings. (i.e. How did you miss that, it was right in front of your nose?)

We can create in our minds a whole other world (a fantasy) to draw ourselves into and out of at will, thereby blocking anything else around us.

Another option could be to command your brain to turn off in one way or another (i.e. We can become unconscious, go to sleep, or some other extreme such as death.

Once again I don't recommend that one, but it can be done by thought alone.) Hopefully, you get my point here.

You can even choose to not be afraid if you wish. Or if you are scared you can still not let that fear control you or prevent you from thinking of your options.

The good news is emotions are all TOOLS so you can use your fears to release the adrenalin needed to think at super-fast subconscious speeds.

Your mind has a quite incredible talent for giving you temporarily strengthened abilities in any area you may need in order to save yourself, or to get you into a better situation.

Example: A child gets pinned under a car. The emotional reactive chemicals released in the child from this occurrence kept him from dying instantly.

The emotional tools released in the mother enabled her to flip that car off of her child. How was she able to do that?

Quicker than thought as we know it consciously, her subconscious chooses the option and has her body carry out the action necessary before she really knows consciously what has happened.

She didn't have the time to figure out all the reasons she couldn't do it before the reaction was already done and her child was saved.

The conscious part had to catch up later. I don't doubt one bit that once caught up, her brain released a bunch of other emotions for her to deal with.

That kind of example is what I deem as a "good" button; which is not only possible, but creatable on purpose through either natural means or with training.

For many, many years now our military has been training people to have specifically programmed reactions in their minds and bodies.

Ever hear of the popular reactions of fight, flight, or freeze?

When most of us are faced with something extremely stressful such as in life and death situations, we make this choice without much thought.

Well, these guys have taught their brains to react differently from the common ways so that they might increase their chance to succeed in what they are doing (such as survive).

When such a heightened state of danger has a presence in their minds, they have learned how to behave in a pre-determined manner.

Once the danger has passed, their brain's chemicals are free to return to another state, freeing the emotional tools they need for the next objective to succeed or fail, as they bear the consequences of those choices as they arise.

This way their pre-programmed "buttons" can be triggered or released when they need to be in order to do what they must to succeed in what they do.

Who can fix a bad button?

Many of us, sadly, are not taught how to prevent some trauma buttons from forming from a young enough age to go unscathed in one way or another, so we are left to learn other ways of coping with certain traumas.

But think for a moment, YOU were the one who created your own buttons and triggers, so only YOU can fix them within yourself.

Just the same, you can create good buttons to use at a later time.

We have no idea what may come across our paths, but we do know that we have control over what we do and do not pay attention to, and how we either act or react to what we do.

Where can I learn more?

To read more... See the second part of this article, "What can I do about my emotional triggers?" at: Violet Sky Writings

With Love,

Violet Sky

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7470398

Settling For Less Than You Know You Deserve - Reasons Not To Settle For Less

Guest post by Suzie Doscher

ONE of the main motivators not to settle for less surely must be that life is simply too short. Time seems to be flying by faster and faster - all the more reason to make sure you are enjoying the life that you not only wish for, but also the life that offers you a sense of fulfilment. Settling for less is something that everybody does along the way at some point or another.

Pic courtesy of QuotesTree.com

The situations in which you did settle for less can offer you an opportunity to learn, to find out what you want - from having experienced what you do not want! Settling for less means having chosen to limit yourself and your potential, and in a way wastes some precious time. However, if you learn from this, your time was not wasted because now you can think about what to do differently next time you are faced with such a choice.

Wrong Job?

Say you accepted a job offer mainly based on financial fears but you knew, in no uncertain terms, you were compromising yourself. You had enough security to ride it out a bit longer but not the courage to hold out for 'the right' one. It, no doubt, is a tall order to let a job offer go when you feel another one is not in sight. Fears have a lot of power over our decisions. If, on some deeper level, you knew this job was not really the right one, you are choosing to live with the feeling of having undervalued yourself. Long term, your heart and soul will let you know they do not appreciate the compromise!

Spiritually Thinking

To quote one of my favorite 'teachers', Caroline Myss: "Spiritually thinking; everything happens for a reason. We are able to learn from everything that happens to us. Both positive and negative occurrences are here to teach us something. If our path is to be true to ourselves and we live 'our' life, based on our values and our truths then everything that happens is happening to eventually lead us to our true life. There are no coincidences, again positive or negative. We can learn something from every thing."

Everybody knows the feeling of settling for less, at one time or another most people have been in jobs, just for the money offering no satisfaction, spending time with people they do not enjoy, going places they are not interested in, living through experiences of relationships that let them down, having friends that take advantage of them etc.

Staying in the Rut

Sometimes it is just easier to stay in a rut than find the courage to change something. It can be easier to settle than step out of your comfort zone. Settling in relationships that do not make you happy can often be the result of not wanting to be alone, or any other type of fear that keeps you stuck.

If you suffer low self esteem, taking a look and finding ways to increase it - be this with self help literature, a therapist or a coach - will lead you to better decision-making; decisions based on what you want, not what your more insecure self wants!

We most certainly do not have control over all the events in our life but we do have choices, even when it feels like we do not. Sometimes, buying yourself some time is the best decision, based on the choice to say "No" in that moment, the other choice being saying "Yes".

Reasons not to compromise yourself

Settling for less, knowing that you are making a comprise makes life difficult. Difficult, because being in the wrong job, wrong relationship, and wrong anything does not make for a 'flowing' day-to-day life. Believe it or not, consciously or unconsciously, this leads you to self-sabotaging your own choice.

When something is right for you and either keeps you, or puts you on your path for a fulfilled life, synchronicity sets in, good things appear out of nowhere. When not, obstacles surface. These obstacles are opportunities to learn.

Follow the path of successful people who have, or found the courage to take risks (emotional or otherwise), value themselves enough to stay on the path to their ultimate goal, which surely must be a fulfilling life, which of course includes financial security, giving back and living within a code of ethics.

"It is better to want what you do not have, than to have what you do not want."

Suzie Doscher Life Coach for Personal Development. I understand Personal Development to be a clearing out the old to make way for something new. This could mean letting go of things, people, behavior, or draining emotions that simply no longer support the way you wish life to be.

Maybe it worked in the past, but now it is time to move on... For more information contact me via http://suziedoscher.com, or http://coachgroupofch.ch to schedule your Complimentary Introduction to Coaching Call.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/8227841

Mark Twain's Top 9 Tips for Living A Good Life

Originally posted by Henrik Edberg at 'Daily Good'

“It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”

“Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” 

One of America's greatest ever authors - Mark Twain

YOU may know Mark Twain for some of his very popular books like Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.

He was a writer and also a humorist, satirist and lecturer.

Twain is known for his many – and often funny – quotes. Here are a few of my favorite tips from him.

1. Approve of yourself

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

If you don’t approve of yourself, of your behavior and actions, then you’ll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself then you tend to become relaxed and gain inner freedom to do more of what you really want.

This can, in a related way, be a big obstacle in personal growth. You may have all the right tools to grow in some way but you feel an inner resistance. You can’t get there.

What you may be bumping into there are success barriers. You are putting up barriers in your own mind of what you may or may not deserve. Or barriers that tell you what you are capable of. They might tell you that you aren’t really the kind of person that could accomplish what you’re attempting.

Or, if you make some headway in the direction you want to go, you may start to sabotage yourself: to keep yourself in a place that is familiar to you.

So you need give yourself approval and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Don’t look for the approval of others, but from yourself to dissolve that inner barrier or let go of that self-sabotaging tendency. This is no easy task and it can take time.

2. Your limitations may just be in your mind

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

So many limitations are mostly in our minds. We may, for instance, think that people will disapprove because we are too tall, too old or balding.

But these things mostly matter when you think they matter. Because you become self-conscious and worried about what people may think.

And people pick up on that and may react in negative ways. Or you may interpret anything they do as a negative reaction because you are so fearful of a bad reaction and so focused in on yourself.

If you, on the other hand, don’t mind then people tend to not mind that much either. And if you don’t mind then you won’t let that part of you become a self-imposed roadblock in your life.

And it is seldom too late to do what you want to do.

3. Lighten up and have some fun

“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

Humor and laughter are amazing tools. They can turn any serious situation into something to laugh about. They can lighten the mood just about anywhere.

And a lighter mood is often a better space to work in because now your body and mind aren’t filled with negative emotions.

When you are more light-hearted and relaxed, the solution to a situation is often easier to both come up with and implement.

4. Let go of anger

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Anger is mostly pretty pointless. It can cause situations to get out of hand. And from a selfish perspective it is often more hurtful for the one who’s angry than the person s/he’s angry at.

Even if you feel angry at someone for days, recognize that you are mostly just hurting yourself. The other person may not even be aware that you are angry at him or her.

Either talking to the person and resolving the conflict or letting go of anger as quickly as possible are pretty good tips to make your life more pleasurable.

5. Release yourself from entitlement

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

When you are young, your mom and dad may give you a lot of things. As you grow older, you may have a sense of entitlement.

You may feel like the world should just give you what you want or that it owes you something.

This belief can cause a lot of anger and frustration in your life. Because the world may not give you what expect. On the other hand, this can be liberating too.

You realize that it is up to you to shape your own life and for you to work towards what you want. You are not a kid anymore, waiting for your parents or the world to give you something.

You are in the driver’s seat now. And you can go pretty much wherever you want.

6. If you’re taking a different path, prepare for reactions

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

I think this has quite a bit of relevance to self-improvement.

If you start to change or do something different than you usually do, people may react in different ways.

Some may be happy for you. Some may be indifferent. Some may be puzzled or react in negative and discouraging ways.

Much of these reactions are probably not so much about you, but about the person who said it and his/her life. How they feel about themselves is coming through in the words they use and judgments they make.

And that’s OK. I think it’s pretty likely that they won’t react as negatively as you may imagine. Or they will probably at least go back to focusing on their own challenges pretty soon.

So what other people may say and think, and letting that hold you back, is probably just fantasy and a barrier you build in your mind.

You may find that when you finally cross that inner threshold you created, the people around you may not shun you or go chasing after you with pitchforks. :) They might just go: “OK”.

7. Keep your focus steadily on what you want

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”

What you focus your mind on greatly determines how things play out. You can focus on your problems and dwell in suffering and a victim mentality.

Or you can focus on the positive in situation, what you can learn from that situation or just focus your mind on something entirely else.

It may be “normal” to dwell on problems and swim around in a sea of negativity. But that is a choice. And a thought habit.

You may start to dwell on problems instead of refocusing your mind on something more useful. But you can also start to build a habit of learning to gain more and more control of where you put your focus.

8. Don’t focus so much on making yourself feel good

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

This may be a bit of a counter-intuitive tip. But as I wrote previously, one of the best ways to feel good about yourself is to make someone else feel good or to help them in some way.

This is a great way to look at things to create an upward spiral of positivity and an exchange of value with people.

You help someone and both of you feel good. The person you helped feels inclined to give you a hand later on since people tend to want to reciprocate. And so the both of you are feeling good and helping each other.

Those positive feelings are contagious to other people and so you may end up making them feel good too.

And the help you received from your friend may inspire you to go and help another friend. And so the upward spiral grows and continues.

9. Do what you want to do.

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so.

“So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Awesome quote. And I really don’t have much to add to that one. Well, maybe to suggest you write it down and keep it as a daily reminder – on your fridge or bathroom door – of what you can actually do with your life.

Article source: http://tiny.cc/zsnjbx

The Challenges of Making a Change to a Behaviour Pattern

By Suzie Doscher

Change is not easy, nor simple. If you have been told you should change but are not really convinced that this is true, you are more likely to fail at completing the process.

Personally I recognize the process to be complete when I no longer remember 'what I was like before'. Someone still in denial about the need to change will not get very far.

Chances are there will always be excuses in the form of – 'I do not have the time for this right now', 'I am busy', 'I already know how to...', 'It is not my fault, you do not understand', 'A leopard cannot change its spots', 'I am too old...' etc.

Change - a completely natural process


Change can only really happen if you are ready to take action.

Research shows 90 per cent of the strategies designed for change assume people are ready to take action. In reality only 20 per cent of the people already involved in some process of change are actually ready to take action.

This helps explain why so many attempts to keep New Year's resolutions – lose weight, change behaviours, etc – are doomed to failure.

It is most helpful and supportive and will increase your chances of successfully completing a change if you can engage the help of a friend or life coach.

They will help you by being totally honest, motivate, encourage and in general offer the kind of support you will benefit from.

Specifically how to offer this support varies from individual to individual so make sure you communicate clearly how you need them to be.

The most successful way to approach changing a behavior pattern is to:

* Realize and acknowledge that things can no longer stay the same.

* Accepting that it is possible to do things differently.

* Take the time to gather the necessary knowledge, insights and support.

* Raise your awareness to how your life will change in a positive way by making this change. 'Pros' and 'cons' lists tend to work.

* Decide what steps need to be taken to move in the right direction.

* Recognize any denial, dis-empowering, defensive or self-sabotaging behavior.

* Understand and accept that you, and your life are worth this effort.

* Recognize and work through the obstacles and possible self-sabotage routines that appear.

*Most importantly celebrate your success.

Remember for this to be successful you need time, a lot of patience with yourself, and to know that you will have some setbacks along the way...all part of the process.

"If you believe you can, or cannot – you are right."

Suzie Doscher is a life coach focusing on personal development. This article is designed to give you support for you to master your steps towards behavioral, emotional and intellectual change.

It aims to offer you tools to help cope with all the stress associated with today's lifestyle and work demands. May even just one line inspire you.

Please also visit: http://suziedoscher.com, or http://coachgroupofch.ch

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Suzie_Doscher